Today I faced another critical
moment. And I teared. Not the first time I seen this situation. Is just that I
avoid it for the first time. I don’t dare to face it. I do not have the
courage. I admit I am at fault too. I admit I am one of the culprit. In all any
other scenario, I am brave enough to speak up. I don’t care. I am myself.
However, in this situation, it’s different. I can’t possibly let it slide. Once
is a very wrong mistake. I should not be doing it this way. I am scared. And
heartbroken at the same time. Can’t utter a word. Can’t show. Can’t even ask. I
guess people around me can only give sympathy and also encourage. The real
action need me to fight and hold it also. Nobody can replace my position. I am
the one and only one who can solve this secrecy. It’s a place where no others
can reach. I am so sad that I tear right in front of strangers. I am not
someone who tear easily.
I remembered the first week when I enrolled, I cried
like this too. And this person is highly related. Due to financial crisis, I
had a big blown in my life. Ever since then, I started to resent. I resent how
come this need to happen on me. Why can’t I be like any other girls in my university?
I was naive, I was a kiddo. You couldn't expect much from me. I am just a young
girl. So, like any other teenagers or young adults, I swift the blame on
someone. Someone who is dearest to me. Someone who I don’t even need to look at
the face but would still receive the huge quantity of care. So, I acted
ridiculous terrible. In the eye of everyone, if they know the way I behave,
they would curse me. They would save her from me and my family members. All my
other family members are treating her terribly too. I gotta say, she is old.
She is incapable to handle such a huge burden. She had done a lot, a lot, infinity
for us and especially for me. There is nothing she owe me or us. She doesn't need to receive this kind of treatment from us. She could easily run away. I am
putting myself in her shoes. If I were to be her, I would had kept myself away
and cut off all ties. No one should treat her like that especially each and
every one of us. We are all indebted to her. I felt the guilt. I don’t have bad
intention. I am a terrible child I must say. I success in all other subjects
but failed to be a filial child. In Chinese, not filial child should not be
granted success, and blessing from parents. I just felt that, no matter how I
treat her, I will still receive her blessing. So, where is the problem..? The
problem only arise when I see all her doings are problem. If I treat all her
right and wrong doings as a common act, it would all be perfect. There are no
dangerous harm she brought us. She is trying to make a living in that tiny hole
we left her with. She barely can even breathe.
It’s all my fault. All my fault
to put the blame. All my fault to push my responsibilities. I forgot that, each
and every family situation is different. Even mine is not a smooth sail, it was
not the worse. If my mentality is not strong enough, I could easily be one of
her nightmare which is not supposed to be. I should be her wings. I still
remember, when I was young, my teacher would tell me stories about the young
adults sending their parents to old folks home. And I do question, why should
you send someone so precious to you away from home? Aren't they part of your
family members? For whatever reason, one should not abandon those that cherish
them.
When my siblings and I were young, we did many wrong things. Each is worse
than what she had done. However, we did not get punish or abandon somewhere
else. We were not send to see a doctor or specialist. We are all being brought
up by love and delicate care especially me. Therefore, if there is anyone going
against her, I should be her shield, her weapon, her lifeline that give her
strength to continue. Not the other way round, just because she is getting
annoying I would cast her away. I remembered. I remembered how much love she
gave me, teach me to be independent, being supportive, being kind and good. She
does not count her hard work. All she does was non-stop sacrificing. Now, she
is old, she barely have the energy. She can’t take it anymore. And people
around her take her for granted. I know she is stubborn. I know she has her own
character. I know her very well just like how well she know about me. She can
afford to lose parts of the memories but she would remember that I love to eat
fried chicken. She would use her off day just to wait for my call saying I want
her to pick me up from train station to go home. She could wait all day long. As
for me, I would cruelly say, no and cut off the line.
There is a lot of
moments I missed with her. There is a lot of things I am not yet done with her.
There is a lot of promises I have not fulfil. Now is the time. It is the wakeup
call for me. Now is the time for me to pamper, love, care and bring her back to
life. Without her, there is definitely no me, I swear! The hard work I did, she
gave 99% of effort too, sending me to late night tuition classes, running here
and there, fetching me here and there, can only eat what I choose to eat.
Because of her kind deed, this soul of mine is touched. For what she had done,
right or wrong, I am accepting it. And I am going to even love her more. I am
going to bring her for outing, read her news, watch movie together, and date
with her, privately just us. I am going to hold her hand when we sleep at
night. I am going to stick with her when it is possible.
I’m sorry for every
loud, fierce voice.
I’m sorry for misbehave.
I’m sorry for every
missing in action during your important dates
I’m sorry for every day
not calling mom.
I’m really sorry. Please
forgive me.
Losing myself for that
few years back then is way too much already. I would appreciate every moment
when she is still around. All I want is to be a filial girl repaying all my
debts to her freeing her soul so that she can be healthy, happy and back to
herself again. Mama, is the one and only one that I want give all of me.
When I question myself
why does I have to face obstacle that doesn't even fit my age,
I found an answer of,
there is no age limit in obstacle faced. This is the second time. I always face
obstacles that people 10 years older than me only will face. How can’t I be
mature in all these situation?
My mom also faced a
terrible disaster of having 3 bad ass which she could have better ones. Instead
of running away, she had did her very best in bringing up all 3 of us. If she
can, why I can’t when it’s only one of her!
I am still lucky. Lucky
that this wake up call hit be to the bottom of my heart and brace myself to love
her towards the end of her life. There may be no one from our side to protect
her. I believe, with my own ability and me alone, she would be happy. At
least, I am there for here anytime, anywhere.
My achievement and success is her biggest happiness.
Thank you, ma~!
