i love you, mama

Today I faced another critical moment. And I teared. Not the first time I seen this situation. Is just that I avoid it for the first time. I don’t dare to face it. I do not have the courage. I admit I am at fault too. I admit I am one of the culprit. In all any other scenario, I am brave enough to speak up. I don’t care. I am myself. However, in this situation, it’s different. I can’t possibly let it slide. Once is a very wrong mistake. I should not be doing it this way. I am scared. And heartbroken at the same time. Can’t utter a word. Can’t show. Can’t even ask. I guess people around me can only give sympathy and also encourage. The real action need me to fight and hold it also. Nobody can replace my position. I am the one and only one who can solve this secrecy. It’s a place where no others can reach. I am so sad that I tear right in front of strangers. I am not someone who tear easily.

I remembered the first week when I enrolled, I cried like this too. And this person is highly related. Due to financial crisis, I had a big blown in my life. Ever since then, I started to resent. I resent how come this need to happen on me. Why can’t I be like any other girls in my university? I was naive, I was a kiddo. You couldn't expect much from me. I am just a young girl. So, like any other teenagers or young adults, I swift the blame on someone. Someone who is dearest to me. Someone who I don’t even need to look at the face but would still receive the huge quantity of care. So, I acted ridiculous terrible. In the eye of everyone, if they know the way I behave, they would curse me. They would save her from me and my family members. All my other family members are treating her terribly too. I gotta say, she is old. She is incapable to handle such a huge burden. She had done a lot, a lot, infinity for us and especially for me. There is nothing she owe me or us. She doesn't need to receive this kind of treatment from us. She could easily run away. I am putting myself in her shoes. If I were to be her, I would had kept myself away and cut off all ties. No one should treat her like that especially each and every one of us. We are all indebted to her. I felt the guilt. I don’t have bad intention. I am a terrible child I must say. I success in all other subjects but failed to be a filial child. In Chinese, not filial child should not be granted success, and blessing from parents. I just felt that, no matter how I treat her, I will still receive her blessing. So, where is the problem..? The problem only arise when I see all her doings are problem. If I treat all her right and wrong doings as a common act, it would all be perfect. There are no dangerous harm she brought us. She is trying to make a living in that tiny hole we left her with. She barely can even breathe.

 It’s all my fault. All my fault to put the blame. All my fault to push my responsibilities. I forgot that, each and every family situation is different. Even mine is not a smooth sail, it was not the worse. If my mentality is not strong enough, I could easily be one of her nightmare which is not supposed to be. I should be her wings. I still remember, when I was young, my teacher would tell me stories about the young adults sending their parents to old folks home. And I do question, why should you send someone so precious to you away from home? Aren't they part of your family members? For whatever reason, one should not abandon those that cherish them. 

When my siblings and I were young, we did many wrong things. Each is worse than what she had done. However, we did not get punish or abandon somewhere else. We were not send to see a doctor or specialist. We are all being brought up by love and delicate care especially me. Therefore, if there is anyone going against her, I should be her shield, her weapon, her lifeline that give her strength to continue. Not the other way round, just because she is getting annoying I would cast her away. I remembered. I remembered how much love she gave me, teach me to be independent, being supportive, being kind and good. She does not count her hard work. All she does was non-stop sacrificing. Now, she is old, she barely have the energy. She can’t take it anymore. And people around her take her for granted. I know she is stubborn. I know she has her own character. I know her very well just like how well she know about me. She can afford to lose parts of the memories but she would remember that I love to eat fried chicken. She would use her off day just to wait for my call saying I want her to pick me up from train station to go home. She could wait all day long. As for me, I would cruelly say, no and cut off the line.

There is a lot of moments I missed with her. There is a lot of things I am not yet done with her. There is a lot of promises I have not fulfil. Now is the time. It is the wakeup call for me. Now is the time for me to pamper, love, care and bring her back to life. Without her, there is definitely no me, I swear! The hard work I did, she gave 99% of effort too, sending me to late night tuition classes, running here and there, fetching me here and there, can only eat what I choose to eat. Because of her kind deed, this soul of mine is touched. For what she had done, right or wrong, I am accepting it. And I am going to even love her more. I am going to bring her for outing, read her news, watch movie together, and date with her, privately just us. I am going to hold her hand when we sleep at night. I am going to stick with her when it is possible.

I’m sorry for every loud, fierce voice.

I’m sorry for misbehave.

I’m sorry for every missing in action during your important dates

I’m sorry for every day not calling mom.

I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.

Losing myself for that few years back then is way too much already. I would appreciate every moment when she is still around. All I want is to be a filial girl repaying all my debts to her freeing her soul so that she can be healthy, happy and back to herself again. Mama, is the one and only one that I want give all of me.

When I question myself why does I have to face obstacle that doesn't even fit my age,

I found an answer of, there is no age limit in obstacle faced. This is the second time. I always face obstacles that people 10 years older than me only will face. How can’t I be mature in all these situation?

My mom also faced a terrible disaster of having 3 bad ass which she could have better ones. Instead of running away, she had did her very best in bringing up all 3 of us. If she can, why I can’t when it’s only one of her!

I am still lucky. Lucky that this wake up call hit be to the bottom of my heart and brace myself to love her towards the end of her life. There may be no one from our side to protect her. I believe, with my own ability and me alone, she would be happy. At least, I am there for here anytime, anywhere.

My achievement and success is her biggest happiness.

Thank you, ma~!